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Famous Mitch Hedberg Quotations

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"Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I tried walking into a Target , but I missed."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
by Mitch Hedberg
"I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy."
by Mitch Hedberg
"Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree."
by Mitch Hedberg
"My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first."
by Mitch Hedberg
"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."
by Mitch Hedberg
"There are six ducks out here, and they all want Sun Chips!"
by Mitch Hedberg


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