GDPR Cookie Consent by FreePrivacyPolicy

Social Anxiety

 

I am trying to fight myself. You may wonder, what the heck does that mean? So, before you call me crazy, I'll clear your doubts. Actually, I suffer from social anxiety. It is like a childhood friend to me. It never left me alone. Never let me wander in the company of other children for long and being social, is an unfulfilled dream. 
I missed out on so many things during my growing years. I wanted to do so much but could not pursue.  Now when I see young children doing what once I wanted to do or dreamt of doing, I feel at loss. Now sometimes I think, what if I had ignored the feeling and carried on with what I wanted to do? I could have learnt something I love. DId so many things which I regret not doing, now. 
Even still one year back, I missed upon enjoying the parties and the merrymaking. But this year it was something different. On the First of Jan. something happened which changed a lot of things for me. First is, I got the approval from publishers, then everything fell in place. Secondly, I am getting a lot of support from my husband. And what is giving me high, is that I learned dance moves and that too without feeling shy for a party. Then performed without hesitation. In fact,I was waiting for my chance. I didn't feel shy. The audience didn't give me jitters; I saw and felt only my husband and his company.
I feel now I can do some of the things I missed earlier. Recently, my daughter joined a dance class; and I think I can learn too. There is a gym, in the same building I can join that also. Or join some new class. I want to start driving the car again. And have joined some online writing clubs which hold meetups. I look forward to them and the library meetups, where I can learn something new and talk whatever I have in my mind. This is a totally new experience for me. It's like I want to spread my colourful wings and explore the world around me.
My social anxiety does exist because I have a feeling that my mind tells me something else then what my heart wants. But I am trying to show a brave face, this time. I still have to face the part where I have to meet my relatives, strangers and have to stay a night away from my home.  Attending some family function is the deadliest dream. Ordering something over the phone or talking to hotel reception or room service, going to a salon kills me. I feel anxious while talking over the phone in front of my hubby. Still, have to conquer these. I don't know, I mean I don't want it to happen or maybe my mind tells me to wish for this. Whatever at present I want to enjoy the moment I am in.
I wish this feeling to stay on. Even if I have to put on a mask to feel that way I would do it. 
 

Copyright © Smita Singh 2018

Author: Smita Singh
I write poems, short stories, non-fiction plus I love painting, traveling and listening to music. reading is my first love. Recently I have submitted manuscript of my debut non-fiction book about my struggles with depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
My External Website (External Website Opens in New Window)

Comments

Please Login to Comment
No comments have been posted. Be the first.



Hire a Writer