I am trying to fight myself. You may wonder, what the heck does that mean? So, before you call me crazy, I'll clear your doubts. Actually, I suffer from social anxiety. It is like a childhood friend to me. It never left me alone. Never let me wander in the company of other children for long and being social, is an unfulfilled dream.
I missed out on so many things during my growing years. I wanted to do so much but could not pursue. Now when I see young children doing what once I wanted to do or dreamt of doing, I feel at loss. Now sometimes I think, what if I had ignored the feeling and carried on with what I wanted to do? I could have learnt something I love. DId so many things which I regret not doing, now.
Even still one year back, I missed upon enjoying the parties and the merrymaking. But this year it was something different. On the First of Jan. something happened which changed a lot of things for me. First is, I got the approval from publishers, then everything fell in place. Secondly, I am getting a lot of support from my husband. And what is giving me high, is that I learned dance moves and that too without feeling shy for a party. Then performed without hesitation. In fact,I was waiting for my chance. I didn't feel shy. The audience didn't give me jitters; I saw and felt only my husband and his company.
I feel now I can do some of the things I missed earlier. Recently, my daughter joined a dance class; and I think I can learn too. There is a gym, in the same building I can join that also. Or join some new class. I want to start driving the car again. And have joined some online writing clubs which hold meetups. I look forward to them and the library meetups, where I can learn something new and talk whatever I have in my mind. This is a totally new experience for me. It's like I want to spread my colourful wings and explore the world around me.
My social anxiety does exist because I have a feeling that my mind tells me something else then what my heart wants. But I am trying to show a brave face, this time. I still have to face the part where I have to meet my relatives, strangers and have to stay a night away from my home. Attending some family function is the deadliest dream. Ordering something over the phone or talking to hotel reception or room service, going to a salon kills me. I feel anxious while talking over the phone in front of my hubby. Still, have to conquer these. I don't know, I mean I don't want it to happen or maybe my mind tells me to wish for this. Whatever at present I want to enjoy the moment I am in.
I wish this feeling to stay on. Even if I have to put on a mask to feel that way I would do it.
Copyright © Smita Singh 2018